Online Dating Mindset for Less Drama and More Success

Simple solutions to go from dread and drama to love

Is This You?

• You want to get back on the dating scene, but the thought of downloading the apps fills you with dread.
• You’re tired of seemingly limited, low-quality matches.
• You haven’t dated in a long time, and you’re anxious about getting back out there.
• You’ve been on the dating apps before and had some not-great experiences: dick pics, ghosting, catfishing, rude behaviour, people lying about who they are—to name a few.
• Your friends have scarred you with their own horror stories

The Wrong Mindset for Online Dating

In all my years of coaching, I’ve only heard 1 woman say “I love job hunting” and I’ve only heard three women say “I love online dating”.

But here’s the thing, I’ve also seen so many women have such huge resistance to the process, that they are denying themselves the opportunity of finding what they deeply desire. They are holding themselves back because they don’t want to risk having to experience any feelings of rejection, failure, or just frustration and tedium. At the expense of being unsatisfied (at best).

If you’re dipping your toe in and out but never committing to the results you want it can feel hopeless, which in turn will make you feel even worse.

Don’t Fixate on the Online Dating Process

Fixating on the process leads to burnout.

However, there’s an easier way. When you learn to focus your thoughts on the results you’re after it’s so much easier to find ease and dive into the process and keep going.

When you practice using mindset tools it becomes easier to brush off a bad date or the “we’ve gone in a different direction” email, collect the data, and move on without having to take a break to recover.

How to Get Better at Online Dating

The mindset tools, specifically our Alignment Framework, are simple but hinge on developing the ability to zero in on the specific details as well as the big picture and asking yourself really good questions while examining your thoughts and feelings within a situation.

Top Five Tips for a Good Online Dating Mindset

If you have the right mindset for dating it is going to be easier, more pleasant, and more likely to yield you the results you actually want.Top Five to keep in mind:

1. Clarity

Why do you want a relationship? How do you want to feel and what do you want to experience? What does a relationship need to embody in order to align with how you want to live your life?

2. Believe in the Possibility

Let’s assume you are a single straight woman in Toronto. Have you ever said “There are no good single men in Toronto”?

If you say this, it will be true for you. This is a scarcity mindset for dating and a scarcity mindset leads to scarcity in the results. Our subconscious works to affirm our beliefs, and identifies information to confirm what we believe to be true. Not to mention, if you believe this, will you put any effort into meeting finding good single men in Toronto? Why would you bother going on a unicorn hunt?

If you have been saying that there are no men, consider this sentence: “There are some good single men somewhere ion Toronto”. This statement isn’t over the top, but it will make all of the difference in the world in comparison to the one above. It brings in the possibility. This statement makes it worthwhile to keep searching.

Pro-tip: Edge your thoughts towards the most abundant belief you can actually believe in your gut. The more you believe in the possibility, the higher the probability that you get into action.

3. Get into Action

Having the right mindset for dating does not mean that that you will be able to “manifest” one from your couch.

You must get into action. Once you believe that the possibility of a good single man in Toronto is there, what can you do to meet him? Brainstorm. Be creative. I didn’t say to be outrageous and ridiculous, but what can you do differently?

You might just change things a little but notice a dramatically different result. For example, if you are online dating and focused on a belief that all of the men are imbeciles, you will have a vastly different experience than if you are focused on the thought that there is an awesome guy that you will stumble upon soon. And it’s much less exhausting and demoralizing.

4. Take off your Judgy Mindset Pants

It’s so easy to make snap judgment calls when dating but what if when you judge someone as inferior, you are closing yourself off to possibility and growth? Judgment is often about insecurity and establishing our “rank” in relation to others.

You can decide that you aren’t into someone, without judging them. This isn’t about your standards or “baselines”, but about seeing the humanity in everyone while listening to what you want.

If you catch yourself judging someone, a great way to check-in to see if this judgment is warranted is to turn it around on yourself. For example, if you complain that someone was boring, ask yourself, do you think that to them you were riveting? Pro-tip: If you feel defensive, chances are this is stemming from insecurity.

5. Don’t be an Asshole to Yourself

Don’t judge yourself harshly either. Be kind to yourself.

 You are looking for the people who are looking for you. You are enough already. Right now. You don’t need to get more perfect in any way before you can have a relationship. Don’t forget that it can be fun!

Online Dating Drama

Online dating has a bad PR problem. Their marketing isn’t helping because in their advertising they try so hard to have the people look like “diverse normal people” that it just winds up looking like they live in a Hallmark Card universe. And that universe doesn’t have ghosting or dick pics.

People who have been through the online dating thing have described it as:

• A waste of time
• Depressing
• Exhausting
• Toxic
• For losers
• Not normal
• Intimidating
• Overrated
• Shallow
• Pointless
• Overwhelming
• Awkward
• Embarrassing
• Soul crushing
• Harder than real life

But here’s the thing: Every single one of those things on the list above was said by someone who has found someone great through online dating.

It makes sense though, not because online dating is hell, but because people remember dramatic things. Drifting into a healthy relationship is not as dramatic as some of the situations that can arise with people who are not a good fit. And no one is talking about the mundane or even lacklustre but mildly pleasant experiences they’ve had with online dating. It’s boring.

It’s so easy to associate online dating with memorable dramatic garbage, but there is much more boring stuff happening than there is drama.

That being said, how can you approach online dating with certainty that it won’t be a waste of time or destroy your soul? How can you get through the boring parts and stay out of the bullshit that will send you on a pointless emotional roller coaster? It starts by being 100% accountable to yourself.

You need to be honest not only about what you want, but what you are giving. Are you waiting for someone to impress you before you take a risk and show up as your best? Managing your mind, including being aware of your thoughts and assumptions (yes, learning to master your mindset) will help you find joy in the process, as well as grow your resilience when things don’t go according to plan.

-Online dating with the Alignment Framework.

Kickstartology Coaching is rooted in the Alignment Framework, which includes the best of both life coaching and mindset coaching.

We offer online group coaching for women as well as personal coaching. 

Alignment Coaching can help with online dating. You can use the tools. to:

• Gain clarity around what’s possible and what you really want
• Focus on the results and not the experience of the apps
• Attract the right people
• Keep the apps and the prospects from taking over your life
• Prevent obsessing and spinning when you don’t know what’s going on
• Identify your red flags
• Know whether your deal breakers are too rigid

Best of all, you’ll learn to approach online dating in a way that doesn’t feel like life or death, no matter how serious your intentions. Book a coaching exploration call to find out more about online group coaching for women or one-on one coaching.

Casually Coaching Strangers Podcast:

Chatting with a caller about her dating mindset.