How To Build Your Confidence

By Toronto Life & Mindset Alignment Coach Stephanie J. Marshall

Why Do You Want to Build Confidence?

I’ve had so many women tell me that they need to build confidence because it’s preventing them from achieving their goals or living life to the fullest, but when I ask them what they would do differently today if they suddenly had it they don’t know the answer.

So seriously, if I could just reach into my magical coaching drawer and give you a big boost of instant confidence what would you do with it?

Consider these three questions before worrying about your level of confidence:

1. Specifically what would you do differently right now if you felt confident?

2. What do you think would change if you did these things?

3. If there was no guarantee of ever feeling confident, do you want your answer to #2 enough to do the answer to #1 even if you feel scared?

Don’t focus on confidence if you want to build it.

The solution isn’t confidence, the solution is to get better at doing things even when they are scary and uncomfortable. Because each time you do that, your confidence will grow.

Some of the people that you think of as the most confident still have moments of doubt and insecurity, but they have learned to keep going to get to the other side of it.

You can learn to do that too. Self-confidence is not a fixed trait that you’re either born with or without. It’s a skill that you can learn, develop, and strengthen over time.

Coaching for Confidence

It’s simple but I know it isn’t always easy. It helps to demystify confidence by breaking down what’s going on in a very specific situation.

Open with some self-compassion and quit the self-judgement. It may seem counterintuitive, but building your self-confidence requires prioritizing self-care and self-compassion. This means treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness, rather than criticism, judgment, or harshness.

1. Start by focusing on the specific results you want and then look at what actions or possible outcomes are bringing about the resistance. Chances are, you are considering the worst-case scenario. Don’t forget that the best-case scenario is just as likely as the worst.
2. Do a brain dump of what thoughts and feelings come up around what could happen.
3. Try to figure out what feelings you are trying to avoid experiencing at all costs. Some common ones are rejection, shame, and uncertainty.
4. Ask yourself this, is it worth risking those temporary feelings for the possibility of the outcome you want?
5. Are you willing to fail along the way if you know you’re going to get exactly what you want if you keep going?
6. From there, focus on the very next small step, and take it one step at a time.
7. Celebrate every tiny step forward because it trains your brain to hold on to the idea that you CAN do it and you ARE doing it.

In Kickstartology Coaching, including our online group coaching for women program, we train you to catch yourself when you are getting in your head and holding yourself back. 

We show you how to direct your thoughts and better manage your feelings so that your time and energy are going towards creating what you want, instead of managing fear and resistance. Here’s the truth of it: It takes just as much energy to stay in a situation or habit you don’t love as it does to change it.

And as you take action, your confidence will grow.

The Value of Building Confidence

As you start doing new things that might feel a little scary you’re going to start to feel more confident. This will raise your tolerance to the things that seem a little scary, and allow you do to even scarier things… and build more confidence.

You will be comfortable experiencing a broader range of feelings which will make it easier to do things that used to stress you out.

And as your comfort and confidence build you will start to look further out to what’s possible next. You will begin to crave the feeling of your comfort zone expanding.

That’s where the real fun begins.